On June 15, 2008 I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  I named him Brian Robert.

Two days later I gave him to his adoptive parents.  Well, actually, the nurses gave him to the parents because I didn’t have the courage to meet them.  I didn’t pick them specifically, instead I chose the parents that had waited the longest for a baby.  Jeremy and Celia Brown had been on the adoption agency’s list for over two years until they got a phone call on June 16 telling them they had been picked to adopt my baby and they had to come to the hospital the next day ready to take him home.  I can only imagine their reaction.  I had Brian with me for 2 days in the hospital.  I fed him, burped him, changed his diaper and took as many pictures of him with my phone as I could.  I had no visitors as my pregnancy was a secret with only my best friend knowing about it.  The father never made any attempt to see me or the baby in the hospital.  That is a whole other story that I will have to write about later.   But in a nutshell, he was married and my boss.  We had had our affair for almost 4 years.  His way of dealing with my pregnancy was to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening.  There had been only one brief glimpse of acknowledgment when he got on his knees with his head resting on my belly, crying and begging me not to have an abortion.  So I chose to have the baby and give it up for adoption.  I also chose to keep it a secret from as many people as possible.  Of course, some people close to me at work figured it out and those people were wonderful to me during that last trimester.  I worked up until two days before I gave birth.  My labor was not too long and started in the dark of the morning around 4 am.  I finally called my best friend who came and picked me up to take me to the hospital when light broke.  She was wonderful with me as I went through labor.  I had back labor and every contraction hit my back with such force that all I cried out for was drugs.  Amber stayed with me through the process until I was so drugged up I was barely awake.  At that point she left me alone with the nurses and doctor to have my baby.  Whatever drugs they had mixed up for me, including an epidural, had me so drugged up I barely remember the ordeal.  I do remember being told to lay on my side, which I thought was kind of odd and they hooked up an oxygen mask to me so that I could breathe.  I literally passed out between each contraction and each push.  Brian entered this world healthy, crying and with a little smushed nose. I ended up with 18 stitches.  Thank you son!!  I felt such awe and amazement as I held him for the first time that afternoon.  The adoption process went fairly smooth in the hospital and I put myself in a place of numbness.  I had to close off all my emotions to handle the paperwork and the legalities involved.  I’m very good at shutting myself down and it was necessary for me to feel nothing as to avoid the avalanche of emotions that would have overcome every part of me.  So  I signed the forms and looked at the self-help books that they give you to help deal with the grief of losing a child.  Because that is what it is, it’s a grieving process that starts with denial.  Then Amber came and picked me up at the front of the hospital.  I smoked that first cigarette like it was beginning of a new world.  And for me it was.  My life was forever changed.