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Therapy

Today  I have an appointment with a new therapist who will probably be able to tell me how screwed up I am.  I am very nervous about this session.  It’s that old feeling of being in high school where I really hope she likes me.  Once again I am searching for approval.  I’m sure this will limit how much I share with her about several aspects of my life.  But who knows. Maybe this will be the moment when I actually open up and reveal some of my inner truths.

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4 Years Later

Today marks the 4 year anniversary of the best decision I ever made.  In one day I experienced the most amazing thing a woman can do and the most devastating grief any mother can feel.  I had a baby boy and placed him for adoption.  Some people don’t understand or agree with my decision, but I have come to learn not to listen to such negativity.  I can honestly say four years later that I made the correct choice.  Shia seems so happy with his family, though I haven’t built up the courage necessary for meeting him.  His parents keep me updated with pictures and messages about how he is doing.  It is an open adoption so I didn’t lose him completly.  Some times it is really hard to see his face and read about how smart he is.  But overall I am very proud of him and myself.  I just wish more people understood or tried to understand.

Too Many Thoughts

I am having another night of tossing and turning in my bed trying to sleep.  And my mind won’t shut the hell up.  I keep having all these random thoughts popping into my head and they won’t go away.  For this reason I have decided that I need to start writing in my blog again in order to free these thoughts.  Unfortunately, I don’t know if now is the best time.  It’s almost 2 am and I’m out of cigarettes.  It seems like it’s too early to make coffee but I really want some.  However, I would also like to attempt to get some sleep tonight.

I think I know that this is all just anxiety about my disability hearing that is on Tuesday.  And my mind is trying to stay in denial about the potential ramifications of the outcome by filling up with random thoughts.  Thinking about exercising, dieting, clothes, movies, books, writing and other random items are keeping me from going crazy.  At least that is my best psychiatric analysis of myself.  I wonder if our brains really do that.  Do we really distract ourselves without even knowing it?  If so, then I am completely missing the point of distracting myself by figuring out what I am supposed to be distracted from and concentrating on that exact subject.

This whole blog entry is laughable at this point.  At least it is making me laugh as I review it.  I think I am going to make a list of possible topics that I would like to write about.  I’m sure some of them could simply turn into tweets in which case I can then flood my Twitter account with a bunch of random thoughts.  And maybe the rest of the subjects will eventually lead to another post in the near future.

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Job Interviews

So I have a job interview today for a position that I am totally over qualified for. But I haven’t been working for the past 2 years and it’s time to slowly jump back in there.  The problem I am facing right now is severe nervousness.  Why should I be nervous for an interview with a small retail store that sells sunglasses?  I could manage that store in my sleep and while I know this I can’t get over this fear of the interview.  I’m obsessing over every little thing from my toenails looking perfect to my teeth not looking white enough.  The reason I am stressing over all of this is because I did a lot of recruiting for my last company.  And when I was interviewing someone I did look at all these details.  I was not an easy person to interview with.  I was very good at making the person feel very comfortable all the while planning what hard question I was going to hit them with out of the blue.  I enjoyed stumping them and making them sweat a little.  Does this make me a bad person?  Because as I am writing this, I think I am a bad person.  I would hate to have to interview with someone like me.  But I must go paint my toenails now and hope they turn out ok.  Wish me luck on this scary thing called the job interview…

Education

I don’t understand why going back to school is so difficult.  And expensive.  I have spent all week long trying to figure the whole system out only to be waiting on financial aid options now.  It can be so frustrating and I just keep thinking that education should be so much simpler.  We wonder as a country about our higher education rates and now I know part of the problem.  Education should not be so expensive as to make it impossible to continue our schooling.

 

Online education and Financial Aid
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So that is my rant for this morning.  All I can hope is that the process gets a littler easier because I am really excited about going back to school.

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Intelligence

Do you ever wonder if you are intelligent or not?  I have always been told that I am very smart but sometimes I question that evaluation.  How do these people qualify intelligence and who are they to make this claim?

And how does the title of “Intelligent” affect a child?  Does it put insurmountable pressure on the student to be perfect?  And does perfection really matter?

Bell curve and IQ
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I had to learn a hard lesson as I grew up and that was “No one is perfect.”   I was led to believe that perfection was possible for many years in my youth.  But everyone makes mistakes regardless of their IQ.  I only wish that this lesson was taught at an earlier age.  I’ve come to enjoy my own imperfections as well as others.  It makes relationships a lot more interesting.

Instead of aiming for perfection and intelligence, I now aim to be engaging and thought-provoking.

New & Old Friends

Six months ago all I did was play Farmville and watch TV.  I was so afraid to get in touch with people using Facebook because I had no idea what I would tell them.  Would I tell them that I’m sick and

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unemployed and depressed?  I didn’t want that to be how people remembered me anymore so I sat there and watched my old my friends on FB and didn’t contact them.  Then one day I got brave.  I sent messages to a couple of friends from college and they actually wrote me back and seemed happy to hear from me.  I was in shock and overjoyed.  These friends from college have no idea what reconnecting with them means to me.  I wish I could make them understand that without sounding crazy.  Instead I just enjoy them on my own.  Who knows, maybe they will read my blog.  🙂

One that same day I felt brave, I went into a chat room on MSWorld.org.  I was slow to really talk on there, but now I sign in every morning while drinking my coffee and almost every evening while watching TV.  I now have made all these new friends online.  And I’m not scared of what people will think of me on there so I’m completely honest about my feelings and my disease.  And we don’t sit in the chat room and just bitch about MS.  Sometimes we talk about all sorts of crazy things.  Sometimes we play games.  I met one woman who plays Words with Friends on her phone.  So we now have an ongoing scrabble game going.

Friends Stage

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I woke up this morning feeling very grateful for my old friends and new friends.  I feel like I have a life now away from my solitude and it’s an amazing feeling!

Music Therapy

Music Notes Vector

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So I was in a MS chat room last night and it was “Tip Jar” night.  Every night there is a different topic at 8 pm to start things off with a theme.  It’s actually pretty cool and can be enlightening.  Well, my tip was Music Therapy, whether that means playing an instrument, singing or just listening.  In my ‘world’  all of it helps.  I don’t play anymore, but I love listening and singing.  Though the singing only happens when no one else can hear because it can be pretty bad.
But when I feel down about life, being sick, or just my overall circumstance I can always open iTunes or Pandora radio and listen to something to improve my mood.  I can play around with my music library which has over 7,000 songs and make playlists.  I can go on the internet and download some more music that I realized I don’t have yet.  I can type an artist’s name into Pandora and find all sorts of music that I haven’t heard before.  That, of course, starts another round of downloading.  However, the point is that not only can it keep me occupied for hours, it improves my mental health drastically.  The trick to this is only listening to “happy” music or songs that bring up great memories.
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 I read an article online a few weeks ago that teens who listen to music become more depressed than teens that read.  The problem with that study is the teens who were listening to music were listening to their own version of Radiohead.  My generation listened to Radiohead when they were depressed and it did a great job of keeping us depressed.  So, I obviously, don’t listen to Radiohead very much anymore and I try to stick to music that makes me feel good.  I did comment on that article about the music choice.  Not that it accomplished anything other than making me feel intelligent.
The main point of this ramble is that I was surprised how many people in the chat room had never really thought of music as therapy.  Music has always been a big part of my life so it’s only natural for me to turn to music as an outlet for my emotions.  I can only hope that my “tip” for the chat room helped or inspired someone.

Sunday Morning Bitching

I signed up for MS blog alerts from Twitter and I’ve seen some pretty amazing blogs.  I’ve seen things that made me laugh, cry, smile and some that did absolutely nothing for me.  But since I am all about “borrowing” some good ideas, I want to do a rant post real quick.  Nothing special or specific really, just a few things I want to say this morning.

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Consider it my idea of confession, except I am bitching about other people of course.

First, I can’t be the only person in the house that ever cleans.  Because what happens is I get pissed off and stop for a couple of days just to see what happens.  Did anyone do anything?  No.  Unfortunately, this backfired because now I am going to have to spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning and that pisses me off even more!!

Second, I have no problem with people wanting to go out alone.  Hell, I like doing the same thing.  But just be honest, don’t lie about it and ditch someone in the process.  I think it’s rude, childish and a downright asshole thing to do.

Third, a 12-year-old in 6th grade is no longer a baby.  Do not allow him to get away with trashing his room with all 200 of his video games and never have to clean them up.  Do not take him his food to his room and then pick up his dishes like his waitress.  Please make him have some sort of a bedtime, preferably something earlier than 7 am.  He should do his own damn homework!!  Make him bathe and brush his teeth every day.  Ask him to pick up after himself around the house even just a little bit.  And above everything else, DO NOT TALK BABY TALK TO HIM!!!!!!

iPhone 4 showing the home screen.

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Fourth, parents should answer their phones now and then.  Particularly, when there are dangerous storms all over the state.  That might be a good time to answer or call back your daughter.  It’s a damn good thing there was no real emergency this past weekend.

Fifth, don’t ever tell me to stay off my computer or the internet if you have no idea what I am doing on my computer.  I am not playing games, watching movies/tv, or screwing around on the internet all the time.  I use my computer for a lot of things and until you learn how to use a computer…leave me the fuck alone!

So those are my rants for this morning.  I’m hoping to get them off my chest now so as not to annoy my friends later by having to listen to me bitch about things.  Maybe I should do this every Sunday morning.  But as we all know, I have commitment issues, so don’t expect it to last too long.

Tornadoes

So, I live in Georgia and we had some pretty nasty weather here last night.  It started off with a bang or some hail actually.

Tornado

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If you don’t know much about tornado weather, hail is one of the worst signs.  Although, hail storms do occur by themselves, during this time of year if you see hail there is normally a tornado forming close by.  Well, my Aunt drove to the store to pick up some groceries completely oblivious to the weather other than the fact that it was raining.  About five minutes later I received a frantic phone call about “huge hail pounding her car and covering everything.”  The huge hail was the size of a pea.  And it was nowhere near covering everything.  We had the same storm system at the house but I didn’t have the heart to ruin her excitement.  This was the start of her adrenaline rush that drove me crazy for the better part of the night.

I’ve been around tornadoes since I was in 4th grade and we had a tornado touch down 1 street away from our house.  The storm obliterated the property where we were building our new home.  Six acres of trees were gone.  All that survived were the pine trees that were more flexible and able to withstand the wind.  Huge oak trees were up rooted everywhere.  After that day, I was fascinated with storms.  But my Aunt hates tornadoes and hasn’t been around them much.  I don’t know how she missed the phenomenon known as tornado season since she has liven in Georgia all her life, but evidently she has.  And last night was proof of that.

After the hail had stopped and the wind died down, she called me on her way home and told me to meet her outside to go see some fallen trees.  I was in my pajamas already with no shoes on, but I threw on a jacket and some flip-flops and got in her car.  We drove about a mile to see 2 large trees that had been uprooted and destroyed 2 cars and a house.   I admit that it was a powerful image and I was relieved to see that the occupants of the house were okay.  And yes, they were poor with missing teeth and all the other stereotypes of white trash in the south, because that seems to be how it is every time a tornado does damage.   However, my Aunt insisted that I take pictures of it so that she could show everyone she works with the next day.  I was mortified, but I did it anyway.  While I was taking these pictures she was talking to the couple that lived in the house. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except she was smiling the whole time from her excitement.  She had never seen damage like that up close.  After we drove back home she jumped on her phone to begin what I call her phone tree.  The power was out and my 12-year-old cousin was being about as obnoxious as possible.  My Aunt was on her phone to everyone she knew, some even twice, talking about the damage.  I escaped outside to watch the rain and smoke a few cigarettes.  She was driving me nuts.

Cell Phone Cameras

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The power returned about 2 hours later and my Aunt started up all over again.  She immediately turned on the local news and saw footage of the damage on tv.  Her cell phone was against her ear faster than a bolt of lightning.   The phone tree began again.  By this time the weather was mostly just rain with some thunder in the distance so I escaped outside to smoke again.  After the second round of calls were done I went back inside to cook some dinner before the power went out again.  Luckily we had enough time to finish cooking and even eat before the sirens went off indicating a tornado watch.  The wind picked up and we lost power again.  Round three of the phone calls started and I went to my room to listen to music.  My room is in the basement so I wasn’t worried at all and I was so tired of the drama.  Eventually I fell asleep and woke up the next morning alive.  I know I heard some sirens and my phone alerted me to the severe weather alerts during the night, but I just went back to sleep.

I’ve been told that I can be an arrogant, snobbish asshole sometimes and I think I was in full form last night.  But I’m not going to apologize for it.  I’ve been through these storms for most of my life and they just don’t bother me anymore.  I have tons of tornado stories that bore even me now and I just don’t care anymore.  I am sorry that my Aunt who is 20 years older than me has not had more experiences in her life, but I can’t change my experiences.  Maybe I could adjust my attitude, but it’s something I have long ago perfected and is probably not going to change anytime soon.

Arrogant Frog

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